Yes I am still in recovery mode, so here are some of the nights events… as for the rest? Well what happens in LA, stays in LA, but I’ll be writing up a review soon enough, along with some info on a Dirges Contest.
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Well it looks like I am headed out to this event for the Boondock Saint’s 10th anniversary party. I’m actually pretty excited, afterall Boondock Saint’s had a huge impact on me back in the day, it actually changed me around from a hooligan to a pretty decent person.. yes, I was an impressionable young thing. What can I say? During the pre-teen and teen years everyone feels like they are the only one who feels a certain way, add my life to it and it’s like quadruple the average angst. BDS just so happened to portray a lot of what I saw first hand as being wrong and the desire for some right to be put back in the world and as cheesy as it sounds, it was the first time I ever felt “normal.. like I wasn’t the only one seeing the ugliness in the world. I mean before BDS, you try explaining to classmates that the reason you don’t have a family is because some guy murdered your mother, and they look at you like you’re nuts! But the truth is it happens everyday and BDS made me see that other people saw it too. For a movie, it played a HUGE role in saving me from myself. Besides that, I admire Troy Duffy to high heaven for refusing to settle on his ideas for the project and for having such great ideas, and the cast was brilliant.
I will admit it, when it comes to the BDS, I am a relatively die hard fan for the reasons mentioned above and it’s nice to be a fan every once in awhile instead of answering questions about this project or that. It’s a spur of the moment, fly out for 16 hours, and back to work event, but I find it worth it! Yep, I’m totally hard headed like that. (more…)
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Instead of just writing things and not explaining them fully, I have created a formspring account where people can ask whatever they want (anonymously or not). This is sort of an experiment and sort of a boredom killer, so have at it
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This time next month I was supposed to have a baby, two actually, though one was lost from the start. I abhor the fact that I still feel it, that something in me knows that the clock is still ticking towards the inevitable due date and that it saddens me. I should not care! I should be able to do as I have always done and purge every negative feeling into something beautiful. With this, I can’t seem to do that. Songs, a screen play, painting, cathartic photo shoots, everything I do to forget just reminds me. Every gift, every card, every pregnant woman I see is a glaring reminder of what could have and should have been.
Hatred, grief, sorrow, torment, it all seems to rest firmly in my chest and it is almost suffocating. Whoever says that I am not a fantastic actress should in reality be my biggest fan, because my cheerful mask has so convincingly hidden this consuming sadness that they are fooled by it. Perhaps I should take a bow? Or maybe revel in the glory of finally honing my craft? No no.. because then they will all know, they’ll see that this weakness has put a deep crack in my in my previously impenetrable armor. Instead I will carry on smiling my plastic smile, merrily greeting those who cross my path. I will continue bringing a smile to everyone’s face and save the world one pit bull or injustice at a time. I will remain that bubbly girl who seems so happy despite all of the public and private disasters, because that is what everyone needs me to do.
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