Over the last three days I have been on a war path… really quite ugly and sparing no one. The cause? Money… or rather the expectation that because I am relatively successful I have to pay for everyone every single time something is needed. Case and point, my room mate and I share a car but due to his work schedule I only have access to it about 6 hours a day. Yet I pay all of the notes, the insurance, the down payment, the inspection, the fees and now that he’s broken it through careless driving a shit ton of repair bills. Yes, I am more financially well off BUT this same roomie can drop $300 a night at a bar and not contribute to any expenses around the house. NOT ONE SINGLE THING. So far this month that car has bled me of cash and yes I can afford it but I just don’t feel like I should have to considering my limited use of it.

Another example is whenever we go out to eat, me and all but 6 of my friends, I am automatically expected to pick up the tab even if it wasn’t my idea and they had to drag me away from a painting or something to do it. Half the time, I don’t even know I am paying! I will hide my debit card and apparently one of the guests will make sure to grab it beefore going out just because maybe once or twice I gave them permission to use it for tea or something. I did not think that I had to specify when premission was revoked, I had assumed it was common knowledge that if I didn’t whip it out and say “here, put it on my tab” then these grown ass people would pay for themselves. Mind you, again it is not about the money but rather the sense of entitlement and lack of consideration. We’re not talking cheeseburgers, we’re talking folks who order the entire menu at restaurants and then don’t even eat it. We’re talking people who forget my stuff when using my money but feel comfortable adding their shit to the bill without asking. We’re talking about full blown rudeness.

I mean for fucks sake, I was raised country as hell and then tossed in group homes and foster homes but even I managed to emerge with a solid moral core, knowing what proper behavior is, and being familiar with common courtesy. I am appalled that the so called “normal” people are the sharks, the ones that take advantage of others and are all about themselves and what benefits them. Say what you’d like about my red neck, hillbilly Pennsyltuckey ass but I have never used or taken advantage of a single person. I work hard for what I acquire, I do not use credit at all, I am simple and I like it that way. This is not a poor victim card, I am mostly mad at myself that my generosity has set it motion and somehow made permissible   a series of behaviors that I find unacceptable. This caretaker complex of mine is a rather expensive habit to maintain and more often than not I wonder how many friends I’d actually have if I were broke or even paycheck to paycheck.

It’s not only monetary issues that have me torn, but also professional. I am a master of promotion. I can make anyone bigger, better and badder than what they are. I am a marketing guru, can sell anything or anyone, and have 8 years worth of business savvy at my disposal not to mention endless connections. Want to be a model? I know someone. Want to be in a movie? I know many someones. Want you stuff in a gallery? Perform at a comedy club with a guaranteed pay level? Need something designed? I know someone. I know someone from just about everywhere and people will lean on me, and try to get those things out of me whether it’s me showing them how to properly book gigs or to meet “so and so”. It’s tiring and it’s lonely… a different kind of lonely though. It’s being alone in a crowd which is even more depressing than the standard loneliness. It’s being invisible as a person. But I digress, this sense of entitlement that other people seem to have with regards to what is mine makes me feel as though I am being punished for being a little on the well off side. I completely understand now how big businesses feel when they have extra taxes imposed on them just because they earn more and it limits my motivation to be more successful. With all of the professional and personal connections I have made, I could be a lot more well known than I am, I simply choose to live comfortably and to be home with my children more often than not. Could I do a little more? Yes, but why bother? I find myself turning down role after role and project after project and only taking extra roles because the pay is so low that I know I wont have that “celebratory” dinner with friends that ends up costing me more than I’d make.

I will always take care of those whom I consider friends and do not mind showering people I care about with whatever they need… so long as it’s appreciated and not expected or in some cases this month demanded from me. Is that too much to ask?  -END RANT

Popularity: 3% [?]

I was a little hesitant to write this up, but there is a lesson in it that I feel is more beneficial to share than to blow off. I want to tell you all a little story, and hopefully remind everyone of the importance of not being self righteous. Not so long ago I went to an event, an absolutely awesome event where I met and reconnected with a lot of awesome people and for the most part it was an epic party! Now most who knew me before I got there, and those who met me know that I do a lot of adult themed work and am therefore a little more free with hugs and public displays of affections. Now one person apparently had no idea wheat my line of work was and was very embarrassed by my behaviour… enough to send several facebook messages using terms like “unprofessional slut”, “out of my league” and “banning” me from future affiliated events. The kicker? This person does not have that authority, and no one else took issue (I checked around). Now the purpose of this post is not to point fingers and say I did X,Y, & Z and so did blah blah blah. The purpose of this is that without knowing a thing about me, this person went on a full blown and down right nasty tirade. Now.. admittedly I was livid, but I did the best thing I knew how and just forwarded it all to my PR person, offered too write up a review of the person’s work and apologized again despite the massive personal attacks. (more…)

Popularity: unranked [?]

I never forget anyone who displays a random act of kindness, and Ms. Lubrano goes above and beyond. She is quite possibly the kindest, most jolly individual that I have ever had the priviledge to “know”. As a result of her consistently cheering me up or making me laugh, I just had to find some way to repay the favor.. no matter how unexpected it is.

Initially I tried to get the company working on my Mariano Meerkat series to hire her on as an illustrator with a nice hefty sign on bonus, but of course these people drag their heels like no tomorrow. The next thing I though of was pointing a few people her way for a cute little musings/coffee table book. Again, it’s still possible but taking too long and I hate to wait. So what I did was design her a professional portfolio (don’t worry dear, you still have final approval on everything, it’s all still you) as a Christmas Gift. Now to get it there….

Popularity: 2% [?]

I am truly a sucker for languages, I speak four afterall. What I like to do is look at songs or poems I love in other languages to see how it translates. The Remembrance Ballad, which is in itself a beautiful song, takes on a deeper meaning when translated into spanish. Atreyu’s lyrics are often over looked due to their genre, but often Alex writes songs so beautiful and/or powerful that it makes you stand in awe.  So for those of you Spanish speakers, take a look. (For you english speakers who are unfamiliar with the song, the english/original version is below.

Estos días se acortan el final se ha vuelto evidente Sólo estamos aquí para el adiós ¿Recordará alguien mi nombre cuando el tiempo haya lavado el polvo de nuestras cenizas? Cuando mi cabeza descanse en un ataúd forrado de terciopelo. ¿Qué hay allá afuera? ¿Cuál es mi destino eterno? Apenas ahora me percato de que esta vida sólo es un estado. La mortalidad se desvanece como la inocencia del amor. Tengo un miedo mortal de lo que vaya a ser de mi alma inmortal de este fuego eterno. ¿Te acordarás? ¿Cantará tu corazón con dolor? ¿Quién me llamará? ¿Quién puede decirme qué pasará cuando mis ojos se cierren por última última “>vez? ¿Simplemente acaba todo en un manto de oscuridad? Qué será de mi alma, ¿Qué será de mi alma? Todas esas cosas que no pudiste decir decir “>debiste decir. Todos esos te amos perdidos pesaban como plomo en tu pecho (x2). De mi alma inmortal de este fuego eterno. ¿Te acordarás? ¿Cantará tu corazón con dolor? ¿Quién me llamará? ¿Quién puede decirme qué pasará cuando mis ojos se cierren por última vez? ¿Simplemente acaba todo en un manto de oscuridad? Qué será de mi alma, ¿Qué será de mi alma? (more…)

Popularity: 3% [?]