Ah Christmas, the time for giving, spreading joy, merriment and alcohol to those we love. We struggle to find that perfect gift, trying to one up each other year after year. So what happens when you have to shop for someone…err.. eccentric? Well I am here to help you out with that.. You’re welcome!

For the cannibal friend, smoked meat sets or cadavers seem like a good gift, but really how practical are they? Can they use it every day? Why not give him/her something they can enjoy every day? Like the “Hannibal’s Delight” Tea Cup, or some tasteful “Flesh Art’? Cost efficient and truly one of a kind, you are sure to secure a very special place in your friends heart…. not to mention buy yourself another year of not being eaten. It’s a total win- win here. After all  the key to a good gift is to be sure you find something they are actually interested in!

Okay, so we’ve covered your awesomely carnivorous friends and family, however we cannot forget the vegetarians! We all know one or two of them, and depending on how into it they are, buying for them is absolutely impossible! A pair of Nike’s or a nice wallet will produce a four hour rant on how you must be an evil person to give them animal skin as a gift. Oh the horror,  what’s wrong with you?!  Rest assured cookies are also not acceptable since they contain both eggs and milk. I have finally found an acceptable gift that not only save us all from hour long Peta quotes, but offers a little temptation to get them back over to the omnivorous side of life… MELON BRAINS!

Moving right along, it’s time to address the dreaded cat woman, you know the self proclaimed “spinster” of the family who is waiting for Prince Charming amongst a clowder  of pussies.. and we ain’t talking the hot Jenna Jamison’s new career angle here.  Most people don’t invite her over due to an overwhelming aroma of feline urine and thus she usually gets screwed out of Christmas. You may be thinking the obvious gift choice would be some sort of feline memorabilia but truth be told this woman probably already has every figurine, wall decoration, etc featuring her beloved kitties.  What I have in mind for her is a little more modern and I guaren-god damn-tee she doesn’t have one! A Pussymobile! Finally she has a way to get to the supermarket and buy that much needed cat litter since public transportation has banned her! She will be eternally grateful and in the event she is really ill, she can get to a hospital instead of being discovered months later partially eaten by her pets! The department of health thanks you in advance!

So there you have part one of my three part series “Christmas Shopping For Weirdos”,  I hope that you have enjoyed this little help guide and if you have an entire family full of weirdos and need a personal shopper, feel free to contact me (Okay, not really.. don’t you dare!).

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Spreading some holiday cheer… because I have a warped sense of humor like that….

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This my darlings, is quite possibly one of the greatest songs ever! I figure that there are so many douchebags in this world that it is only right to give them a proper shout out. To view the top rated douche’s on the net, or to nominate one yourself, visit: Douchbag Alert. Otherwise, sit back relax and enjoy ‘The Douchebag Anthem’ by Causal Mafia. and if you feel the need to leave a special shout out to the douche in your life, just throw it in the comments.

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