Over the last three days I have been on a war path… really quite ugly and sparing no one. The cause? Money… or rather the expectation that because I am relatively successful I have to pay for everyone every single time something is needed. Case and point, my room mate and I share a car but due to his work schedule I only have access to it about 6 hours a day. Yet I pay all of the notes, the insurance, the down payment, the inspection, the fees and now that he’s broken it through careless driving a shit ton of repair bills. Yes, I am more financially well off  BUT this same roomie can drop $300 a night at a bar and not contribute to any expenses around the house. NOT ONE SINGLE THING. So far this month that car has bled me of cash and yes I can afford it but I just don’t feel like I should have to considering my limited use of it.

Another example is whenever we go out to eat, me and all but 6 of my friends, I am automatically expected to pick up the tab even if it wasn’t my idea and they had to drag me away from a painting or something to do it. Half the time, I don’t even know I am paying! I will hide my debit card and apparently one of the guests will make sure to grab it beefore going out just because maybe once or twice I gave them permission to use it for tea or something. I did not think that I had to specify when premission was revoked, I had assumed it was common knowledge that if I didn’t whip it out and say “here, put it on my tab” then these grown ass people would pay for themselves. Mind you, again it is not about the money but rather the sense of entitlement and lack of consideration. We’re not talking cheeseburgers, we’re talking folks who order the entire menu at restaurants and then don’t even eat it. We’re talking people who forget my stuff when using my money but feel comfortable adding their shit to the bill without asking. We’re talking about full blown rudeness.

I mean for fucks sake, I was raised country as hell and then tossed in group homes and foster homes but even I managed to emerge with a solid moral core, knowing what proper behavior is, and being familiar with common courtesy. I am appalled that the so called “normal” people are the sharks, the ones that take advantage of others and are all about themselves and what benefits them. Say what you’d like about my red neck, hillbilly Pennsyltuckey ass but I have never used or taken advantage of a single person. I work hard for what I acquire, I do not use credit at all, I am simple and I like it that way. This is not a poor victim card, I am mostly mad at myself that my generosity has set it motion and somehow made permissible   a series of behaviors that I find unacceptable. This caretaker complex of mine is a rather expensive habit to maintain and more often than not I wonder how many friends I’d actually have if I were broke or even paycheck to paycheck.

It’s not only monetary issues that have me torn, but also professional. I am a master of promotion. I can make anyone bigger, better and badder than what they are. I am a marketing guru, can sell anything or anyone, and have 8 years worth of business savvy at my disposal not to mention endless connections. Want to be a model? I know someone. Want to be in a movie? I know many someones. Want you stuff in a gallery? Perform at a comedy club with a guaranteed pay level? Need something designed? I know someone. I know someone from just about everywhere and people will lean on me, and try to get those things out of me whether it’s me showing them how to properly book gigs or to meet “so and so”. It’s tiring and it’s lonely… a different kind of lonely though. It’s being alone in a crowd which is even more depressing than the standard loneliness. It’s being invisible as a person. But I digress, this sense of entitlement that other people seem to have with regards to what is mine makes me feel as though I am being punished for being a little on the well off side. I completely understand now how big businesses feel when they have extra taxes imposed on them just because they earn more and it limits my motivation to be more successful. With all of the professional and personal connections I have made, I could be a lot more well known than I am, I simply choose to live comfortably and to be home with my children more often than not. Could I do a little more? Yes, but why bother? I find myself turning down role after role and project after project and only taking extra roles because the pay is so low that I know I wont have that “celebratory” dinner with friends that ends up costing me more than I’d make.

I will always take care of those whom I consider friends and do not mind showering people I care about with whatever they need… so long as it’s appreciated and not expected or in some cases this month demanded from me. Is that too much to ask?  -END RANT

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